After much consideration and some research I have decided to get a tattoo. Hear me out. I am not getting the Chinese word for “soup” on the back of my neck or Kermit the Frog on my ankle. I am not even getting my kids’ names because that would look like a school roster or something. I am getting my brand which I have been using as my initials since high school. It is going on the left side of my ribs-in the back (because as JT says, only farmers brand on the right). I am getting it there partially so only the people I want to see it can. Of course I won’t be able to see it unless I do contortions or go to a fun house and take off my shirt. But I still want it there. You see, my body isn’t going to look any better than it does now, and the hope is my back isn’t going to sag much.

Last night my friend got to tell his wife, “Honey, I am going to drive SP down to the tattoo parlor before they close.” I flipped through books of the local artists’ work and it seems like they spend a fair amount of time fixing homemade tattoos. Some woman got drunk and let some dude tattoo her breast with Marvin the Martian aiming his death blaster at her nipple. The artist made him into a cool dragon. But I don’t want a dragon or roses or barbed wire (which would be cool if it wasn’t overdone by those who have never handled the stuff in real life), just my brand.

At the second place I went to the guy teased me about considering dehorning and vaccinations as well. I am leaning towards that place, although both places seemed quite clean. I asked each artist to make me a sketch of what their rendition would look like, so I should know which place I am going to use. Then I guess I will make an appointment for next week or so. It was really pretty affordable, like both estimated in the $100 range, give or take $20 which I thought wasn’t bad at all.

I figure when you graduate you get a sheepskin, when you get married you get a ring, when you have babies you get stretch marks and saggy boobs so when you get divorced you should get something substantial to commemorate the occasion. Some women get doctors, some get diamonds implanted in their teeth, I am taking back my body.