Randomness Volume VI

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I read fast and in doing so I tend to mix up words that look alike at a glance. My favorite is uniformed and uninformed. I never fail to stop mid-sentence to wonder why they are sending an uninformed police officer to a crime scene. It gets me every time.

 

Another favorite mix up is unattended and unintended. We have an unattended children policy at work. Yes, it happens, but do we really need a policy?

 

A little kitchen tip I learned the hard way. If you don’t use it much, store your gingerroot in the freezer. If you put it in the cupboard you might find yourself wondering why you have a dog turd in with the spices.

 

Okay. Get out your phone. Any touch-tone phone will do. Now get out a calculator, or even the number pad on your computer keyboard. What’s up with that? So whose idea was it, and why the difference?

 

PopRocks. An excellent, yet unsung candy.

 

Skittles, Starburst, Laffy Taffy and gummi-you-name-its all make my face sweat.

 

People say things come in threes. My reading this last month has been in threes. First I read, Another Man’s Moccasins which is about child prostitution then I read The Girl Who Played With Fire which is about-spoiler here…child prostitution and now I am reading The Franklin Cover-Up which is about…child prostitution among other amazing things. If the next book I pick is on the same subject I promise to put it back on the shelf. Enough is enough on that subject.

 

For some reason, I am finding that I attract truck drivers. Not that this is a bad thing, we all need truck drivers. It just seems odd that the last four guys-all since this summer-to flirt with me are truck drivers (and they have all been nice looking). No bankers or teachers or anything like that. Truckers. So. Not that I am planning to do this, (because I am not planning to get involved with anybody for quite some time) but IF I were to write such a thing, my singles ad would read:

DWF seeks SWM with CDL. Send DOT# and photo of truck. Big rigs only please.

 

I have noticed a strange thing at work. All the librarians have autographed packages with a Nancy Pearl Action Figure Librarian inside. Who on earth thought up a librarian action figure? I guess if you take her out of the packaging she will go “Ssshhh!” They have theirs all sealed up still. Presumably she is some famous librarian person. Clearly I am out of the loop. If you don’t believe me go to  Nancy Pearl Action Figure  or you can visit her site at nancypearl.com

Randomness Volume V

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Ladies and gentlemen: the blog you have all been waiting for.

 

William Safire started it, and I say the time has come to stop it.  Safire, a former Nixon speechwriter and conservative columnist, started adding the suffix “-gate” to any scandal to remind people of Nixon and Watergate. Frankly I am a little puzzled that I haven’t heard about oil-gate. The first time or two calling a scandal Vietnam-gate or Korea-gate was maybe cute, and of course, WhiteWaterGate had to happen, but why don’t journalists employ a little creativity and next time somebody needs to name a scandal try using Teapot Dome…actually the oil situation would be an incredibly good fit…

 

Why don’t Mr. Milton and Mr. Bradley get together with their cohorts and come up with two or three standard box sizes for games and puzzles?  Getting into my game closet is like opening one of those magic Chinese boxes where you have to slide the pieces around just so to open the box.

 

I am thumbing through my AAA book making reservations for an upcoming vacation.  I want to know if the black diamond motels are like the black diamond ski slopes; designed for the experienced traveler.

 

My SIL complimented Paul on peeing outside (he’s potty training).  She pointed out that a girl just can’t teach a boy how to pee standing up.  Her fiancé said, “yes but she can tell him when he is doing it wrong.”

 

Have you ever been misled by the title of something?  I rented The Constant Gardener last night thinking it might get me into the gardening mood.  I was a little surprised to see a photo of a hand aiming a gun on the DVD itself.  I just assumed the gardener had a no tolerance policy on weeds. It turns out The Constant Gardener is about pharmaceutical companies in Africa; a lot of shooting took place but very little gardening.

 

I think I will set aside a little money in my will; earmarked for the city of San Antonio to use on street signs.

 

Betcha didn’t know Robert E. Lee was married to George Washington’s granddaughter…her maiden name was Custis, and their family estate became Arlington National Cemetery. (a little shout-out to Smithsonian magazine)

 

I have nine used towels hanging in my bathroom. Four people use this bathroom. None of these people do the laundry.

 

Mae is very interested in weddings these days, we have four to attend this year. She looked me in the eye and said… “so if the girl takes the boy’s last name when they are married does this mean the boy takes her (livestock) brand?”  My friend Karla said, “’course he does if it’s a better brand.”

 

Let’s think about the word “flesh” for a moment. This word is not a favorite of mine. The dictionary lists the most used definition of the word as muscle or soft tissue then finally lists skin third, then goes on to cover more about muscles. This leads me to wonder why Crayola called their crayon “flesh” in the first place instead of starting off with “peach.”  

 

All the mailboxes in Wisconsin look like Harry Potter’s Knight Bus just went by; they lean away from the road.

 

I looked up “fart” in my thesaurus thinking to find the scientific word for it but had no luck.

 

Random Thoughts IV

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I made egg foo young today.  It is my favorite of all the foo youngs.

What is on the other end of your belly button?  I have given birth, I know what is on that end of it, but what about the other end?

 

Our last name is a little odd.  The spelling throws people off guard and they stress the wrong syllable.  When we go out to eat and are asked our name for the waiting list I tell them.  When they ask how to spell it I say, “I don’t care, just pronounce it right when you call us.”

 

Our school system has a robo-call thing to let us know when school is closed due to weather.  Our school system includes five schools.  One of these has a strangely pronounced name.  Why have they not taught the system to say the school’s name correctly, or spelled it incorrectly so it says it right?  It makes it sound like the guy on the weather alert is calling from out-of-town about school closings.

 

Do you think it is weird that our hospital advertises during Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice? Do our local doctors sleep around with each other too?  We do know one got caught pandering…

 

When picking out your email address, I suggest not choosing something using the words “male” and “hottie” and a number which suggests a sexual position.  It is hard to take someone seriously while typing in that email address.

 

Clearly the demise of the typewriter has led to the demise of standard letter folding.  My typing teacher in 9th grade taught me to fold a letter to be sent in a long envelope in thirds, parallel to the words on the page.  If a letter was to be sent in a smaller envelope, one should fold the letter in half parallel to the words then fold it in thirds crosswise.  To go in a card, a letter may be folded in quarters.  Never is it to be folded perpendicular to the words then folded four times until it is narrow enough to fit into your envelope. Neither is it to be folded in thirds then one edge folded in an additional quarter inch.  If you are using an envelope that is a hair short of a long envelope (you will notice this if you ever send out photo cards because the company wanted to save $.01 per box of envelopes) simply fold your letter like you are putting it in a smaller envelope.  It is interesting to note the origami that passes for letter folding these days.  

 

When I started eating good dark chocolate, it ruined me for everything else, like M&Ms.  Even Hershey’s dark chocolate is too sweet for me these days.

 

I heard on NPR that some football team, like the Vikings or something hired Prince to write their theme song.  All I can say is I am glad Nebraska had Alan Parsons Project.  When the tunnel walk came on during Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs I wanted to stand up and cheer for the Huskers and I am not really a fan…but it is a moving song.  I guess my blood is red after all.

 

Speaking of the Huskers, I believe they are slated to play not only Wyoming at the Cowboys’ stadium, but also Idaho in Lincoln next year. This means I will be attending two Husker games next year and not cheering for them either time.  I might have to muzzle my husband though.

 

We are off to the accountant tomorrow.  GD won some money gambling, enough that the casino made him sign a tax form, but not really so much.  Our acct suggested we save any proof of losses, like horse racing tickets and so on so we could minimize the tax hit.  I put all of that stuff in an envelope labeled “wages of sin.”  I don’t think the tax guy has a sense of humor, but we will see.

 

I am considering applying for a job at the race track this spring.  I would be one of the people who take bets. They are only open three days a week, and you don’t have to work all three days, so maybe I could work say, Fridays or something.  It would be a little extra cash-ola.

 

I pitched a weekly column to the local ag mag.  The ed was going to get back to me later this week.  I am very hopeful.  Maybe I could even syndicate it…I will let you know what happens.  I also entered two items in a statewide writing contest, so I have been busy writing even if I haven’t been blogging. 

 

I have writing goals this year.  I want to send at least one thing out each month.  That isn’t so very unattainable is it?

 

I have kinda missed reading the Bible this year, now that I am not forcing myself to read it. 

 

Randomness Volume III

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There comes a time in every man’s life where he can no longer wear his sister’s hand-me-down socks with any dignity.

 

I got a new Thesaurus for Mother’s Day.  I asked Mom to give me a word to look up.  She gave me “apprehensive.”  Later I asked GD and he gave me the same word to look up.  Coincidence?

 

Why is it that when I want to add up something while on my 1991 IMac I can simply hit a button and have a calculator, yet I have never found a calculator on my 2006 Compaq?  Anywhere!  Isn’t the whole idea of computing basically using a fancy calculator?

 

People who only have cell phones should not be issued phone books.  If we can’t get a hold of them, then they should not be able to get a hold of us.

 

I was sorting my laundry tonight and had a dilemma.  My washer does not have a “plastic lizard” setting.  Since there was only the one, I threw him in with the greens.

 

The sign at the post office seems a bit optimistic, it says, “15 minute parking.”  Maybe I should ask for validation next time…after I am done with my business.

 

Why do greeting card companies make cards that are just a little too big for regular postage?  There is nothing like getting a birthday card you have to pay $.17 for.  It’s just mean.

 

And by the way, where did the symbol for “cents” go?  It used to be on my keyboard, probably above the six.

 

My pink duct tape has never migrated to the shop like the silver stuff used to.

 

I can’t even fit my owner’s manual in my glove box, much less a pair of gloves.

 

Mae wants to know, “Do they have show-and-tell in college?”  She hasn’t yet noticed they don’t have it in first grade.

 

I love to stand up in church to sing a hymn and find the seam in the back of the pew ahead of me with my fingers.  Nearly all pews have this feature.

 

Squint-print is starting to bother me, am I getting old? 

Randomness Volume II

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I am just warning you, I have a book review coming.  I am reading Free Range Kids, and I haven’t laughed so much at a book in years, maybe since I read Red Sky At Morning the first time (or the last time, it is still hilarious).

Dad updated my virus program today.  It ran out a few weeks ago, and I have been internexting without any protection.  Maybe my junk emails will go down too.  Sheesh I hate finding all that crap in my inbox.  Anyway, I found out that I am not allowed on Xanga or Facebook because they are too “adult.”  (Dad did break down and give me the password.)

Randomness Volume 2

 

Why don’t they put the contents on the narrow side of cake mix and cereal boxes?  My cupboard space does not allow me to store my boxes like a grocery store where you can see the face of the box.  I would really like to open my cupboard and know what kind of cake mix I am reaching for.

 

I think I figured out why Leo’s favorite color is yellow. Construction equipment is yellow!

 

I wish it were possible to buy a left handed mouse, you can change your mouse on your computer, but switching back and forth is a drag when you have two lefties, two righties and one computer.  I have settled for making the touch pad left handed. Drives Dad mad, but then he isn’t left handed, and he rarely uses it, unless he is updating my virus protection.

 

Do they make left handed underwear for men? (they don’t for women)

 

I have two universities in a bidding war to do an archeological dig in my van.  Unfortunately they are Kid’s Kollege and Toddler University (home of the Screaming Tantrums) which neither have much of a budget for research.  It doesn’t look so bad until you realize that the blue coat is at the same level the arm rests are, and it is on the “floor.”

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I started drinking my Coke straight out of the box in the garage.  I guess I like lukewarm, flat Coke better than lukewarm, flat, watered- down Coke.

 

Doesn’t it seem dangerous for the bunny in Goodnight Moon to have pet kittens? 

 

I love books that have maps in them.

 

I figured out why Rachel Ray uses Extra Virgin Olive Oil (E-V-O-O).  I looked on the shelf above my stove and noticed I have Pure Olive Oil.

 

We have a skunk visiting us.  He has been around the last two evenings, although I haven’t seen him.  The .22 is ready for when I do.  I don’t recall killing anything except maybe a rattlesnake, but I could kill a skunk easily.  I have not heard the dog notice him, so that is good, but Jake is more friendly than smart so it is just a matter of time, and where is he anyway?  It is past his bed time, he should be home protecting his family.